Voyeurism is for Facebook.

You know how some people like to say that to write, they need to be depressed, or unhappy, or just generally bent out of shape to be able to do what they have to do? I've heard it a lot and I've never really bought into that. I've been writing more lately than I have in the last few months - nothing I am ready to share with anyone, but still, things are coming along, and on a whim I started a new story that takes on a subject I know practically nothing about - space travel!  

Anyway, that is one thing that is making me happy lately. Just being alone and writing. Lately I've felt pulled in so many different directions, it's nice to be able to shut my door at the end of the day and tune everyone and everything out and just write. Not on the blog obviously, because that's the thing, I guess. Some say they can only write when they are depressed, and maybe I can only blog when I'm really happy, which, all things considered, I haven't been lately.

I hate complaining on my blog, so I won't, other than to say: Stress sucks. Right?

I wasn't even going to post anything today. I thought about it, I logged in and thought about it.. and then I thought, who cares? No one is really reading anyway, right? So I wandered up to my site statisics and found something frankly distrubing. It looks like in the last week, someone has read my entire blog - including the poetry, including Vampire Zombies From Space. I don't know if this person was just clicking through or not, but dude. DUDE. Whoever you are out there, stop being a creeper and just say hello. Voyeurism is for Facebook. 

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Oh, and another thing. I've been reading like a fiend and haven't been reviewing a damn thing. I must have read at least ten books since I updated my 52 Books challenge, and not having a list of what I've read is making me twitchy, especially since my friend Chana just started blogging and reviewing books and movies. Perhaps I will get my act together one of these days.. perhaps not.

Today's balls.

I have mentioned this before, but I feel like I have a million balls in the air and that at any moment some of them might come crashing down around me and I will just fail. Perhaps I take on too much at once?

I haven't done any writing challenges in weeks because I have been trying to get ready for that super secret project that I have been working on - now we are less than a week away from the scheduled launch date and I am scrapping things and starting over. I haven't told my partner this yet, but I suppose if he wants my help he will have to deal.  Long story short, since I don't want to reveal much before the launch, I offered to create a website using Wordpress. However, it's been ages since I've managed a Wordpress site, and frankly, after using Squarespace for so long, I don't really want to use anything else, ever. 

I figure that if I am going to be the manager on this project and do most of the work, I have to at least make it enjoyable for me, right? I don't want to struggle with Wordpress when I can sail through things happily with Squarespace. I should seriously be a spokesperson for them. I just love the company that hosts this blog so much.

So yeah, there's that. There's also been a lot more writing of my secret porn stories. I haven't published another one yet, but I finished one yesterday and I want to get its sequel written before publishing so that I can market them before publishing a third and then bundilng them into an anthology. Yup, I have a plan. I really want to make 2012 the year that writing pays off - literally. I've spent way too much time lately on the erotic writer's forum, way too much time gaping over other people's sales figures and the fact that most of them on there are making thousands of dollars a month and have quit their jobs. Yes, I am fueled by my desire for the money. It might not be becoming of me, but whatever. There it is. I want to write for a living and I am really giving at a go, so unfortunately more creative and friendly bits of writing are going to take a backseat in the meantime. I'm okay with that. 

And that's just the stuff I've been doing online. My life? Sometimes I think I just want to go live in a hut somewhere in the woods where no one can bother me. I'm pushing more people away lately than I ever thought I would, and yet I am not doing it with any sense of regret or apprehension, I'm doing it with relief. Because just as I am pushing people out of my life, people who I feel have been toxic for me, I'm pulling in people who are just the opposite - it just takes... time. Something I always feel is in too short supply.

So anyway, that's what's up. Busy busy and feeling like my blogs are falling flat and being boring lately - another thing that I want to change. One day at a time..

Things writers do...

Fail.

In my head, I've been trying to find the words.

You wouldn't think it to look at me when I'm painting my nails, crocheting that blanket that I can't seem to finish, or staring dead-eyed at the screen while I watch episode after episode of some random show on Netflix. 

If you saw me then you would think I didn't care as much as I do, but you would be wrong.

Inside my head there are people living in their own secret worlds and they are trying to find a way out and I am the only one who can help them.

And I'm failing them right now. 

I'm failing ME right now.

Buddy.

So, back in November I talked about how I had given Dan a copy of my WIP and wish I hadn't because he'd eventually rip it to pieces.  I still sort of feel that way, even though we still haven't talked about it (which I am fine with) but we have done a lot of talking about writing in general, which I must say is quite nice. It's great to have someone local to chat with about these things that are really only important to certain people. Even close friends and family - there are a lot of them who would do a read-through and say "Yay, it's great!" but I share most of my writing challenge pieces with Dan before submission and he is able to give me an extra eye when it comes to grammar and usage and overall theme of stories. And remember, the one he helped me with most won the Editor's Choice Award. 

Anyway, a few days ago Dan finally sent me a copy of the story he has been working on since November(ish), and I read it last night. And, oh my. Oh, my.

He said that he wrote a lot in high school but hasn't really done much writing since then, and that he wanted to write this story "to see if he could still do it."

Well, he definitely can still do it. 

I read through the first three quarters of it with a pen in hand, fixing grammatical errors, writing little smiley faces where it was good and writing "lazy" where it was bad. Then I got to this point where I said to myself "Holy shit. Dan's a WRITER." 

And he might just be better than me.

So, what was good just got better for the both of us, I think. He understands that I don't want him to talk to me about my story because I don't want someone else's thoughts, ideas and opinions influencing the story. He, on the other hand, is eager to have feedback and suggestions, which I can barely stop myself from doling out anyway.  

It is totally awesome. I have a writing buddy. 

Plugging Away

No real blog post today because I am busybusybusy at work on a super secret project that will launch next month, plus I have an Indie Ink piece to write, STILL, because I always tell myself I work so much better under pressure.

(That may or may not actually be the case, but I'll let you and the editors be the judge tomorrow.)

I gotta tell you, I have a lot going on right now with this super secret project, with my writing, with figuring out my life in general, but things, overall, are pretty great.

Shhhhhh....

Everyone tells me their secrets.

No less than three times today did I hear the words "Don't tell anyone I told you this."

I guess it comes from being the kind of person who doesn't talk about herself often. I like to keep myself to myself around people I don't know all that well or don't have close relationships with. I mean, generally I like to keep things in my life drama-free and relaxed. Other people? Not so much.

What I keep finding, time and again, is that people are very much afraid of what others think of them, and that it is the fear of rejection from peers that keeps people from doing the things they want to do or being the people who they truly are.

That's pretty sad, and I guess I'm just saying - I'm glad I'm not like that.

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Big things are coming! 

I will be posting this weeks Indie Ink entry on Thursday, and it's going to be a good one! 

Also, I have been working on a big project that I haven't mentioned on the blog yet, and it's getting to be the time when I will share it, and sharing is something I can't wait to do. 

Now, I am going to lay in bed, watch That 70's Show, and eat Ben & Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch. Nom.