That Old Holiday Giving Spirit

I just finished my Christmas shopping, buying things for my four best friends and sister on Amazon. A part of me kicks myself in the butt for not supporting local businesses and Amazon is evil, blah blah blah, but really, I admit I am part of the consumer problem. It's one of those situations where I know I should support and shop local businesses so that more people will flourish and have better jobs than at big box stores where the profits go and stay at the top, but on the other hand, if that were the case, I wouldn't be able to afford to get something for everyone I want to buy for.

I used to love birthdays and Christmas because of the gifts, but then I got older and realized that friends don't really give birthday gifts anymore (at least, mine don't), and family always seems to come first at Christmas as well. I like getting gifts, who doesn't? But I can honestly, HONESTLY say - it indeed IS better to give than receive. 

I get more joy out of giving gifts for friends and family than I do receiving them. For one thing, I don't really want much. If I have money to spend on myself, I spend it on books, and occasionally new clothes, but I am the kind of person who will wear clothes to death and don't really care about fashion. In other words, I'm frumpy. If someone asks what they can get me for a gift, I tell them to take me out to dinner - good food and better company? What better gift can there be? 

Already, I am excited to give gifts this year. I'm excited to see smiles from friends and family when they see, hopefully, that I'm thoughtful. Is that selfish of me? 

Someone once said to me that doing nice things for other people gets totally canceled out if you do that nice thing just to make yourself feel good. How can that possibly be true?

Either way, Christmas isn't about gifts. I'm not religious, so really, Christmas isn't about anything really. It's just a day where people appreciate each other more, or show their appreciation and love more than they normally would. Sometimes I think that it's a bunch of B.S., like, why can't every day be like this? Why can't we just give people gifts whenever we want, or spread the love as much and whenever we want? It's sort of sad, in a way, that I feel like the meaning of Christmas gets lost on so many people.

Things I Think About at 2:45AM

I hate winter. I hate it for a lot of reasons, number one being THE COLD, and then there are all of the other little indignities that aren't worth mentioning yet, because we've been lucky (in my opinion) and have had a lot of unusually warm weather lately. 

The second thing of winter that I hate more than other things is the depression. I am SAD. Well, I have SAD, and I really need to get to the doctor and do something about it before it really brings me down.

I haven't been writing lately, and I've been trying to brush it off as just me being lazy. I've been spending too much time in bed watching TV on Netflix instant, I have been reading books and never finishing them, I have been staying up way too late at night and in bed way too late in the morning, I've been eating way more chocolate than usual, and have been afraid of getting on the scale. 

All of these things shouldn't surprise me though, I realize now. Maybe all it takes is reminding myself that it's not ME - I'm not really a lazy fatass chocolate addict that would rather do ANYTHING than be productive in any way. I want to do things, I DO do things. It's just that in the winter getting out of bed is so much harder, and letting myself get sucked away from the world and into my own head is a lot easier.

I'm trying to figure all of this out. With every day that passes I feel like I am getting closer to some threshold, some point I am going to cross over when things will really change for the better, and slowly but surely I am getting there. Aren't I? I wish I had a map for this journey.