Losing it.

I am my third week of doing Weight Watchers again, and so far have lost 2.7 pounds each of the previous two weeks, and am down a total of 6.4 pounds. Yay for me! 

I considered whether I wanted to get into details about this weight loss journey here - it is a journey - a long, hard road with only the hope of a slimmer destination - but decided that no, I do not at this time want anyone to possibly consider me a weight loss blogger. I'm just a fat chick who wants to look good naked, ya dig me?

Unfortunately, there is something I DO have to blog about which may or may not be in relation to dieting: I am coming down with a case of insomnia.

It's happened before, and I think it's happening again. Three nights in a row so far with less than four hours of sleep. Last night I lay tossing and turning in bed for hours, and the last thing I remember before falling asleep is that the sun was coming up. This is not good. So, at least now, if it gets bad enough for me to see a doctor about it again, I will know when it started.

The funny thing is, even on only three or so hours of sleep, I feel pretty damn good. 

On(line) Identity

I have a lot of things to work out, here. Thankfully I have this blog. "They" say it's cheaper than therapy, and that's true, as far as I know and can guess, since I've never had actual therapy. But you know, talking to myself and whoever else might be reading and willing to comment, it helps sort things out in my head. Plus, on this particular issue, I really need some feedback.

I've been writing online in some form or another since 1999. Yeah. I can't tell you how much it hurts my heart that there isn't a thirteen year archive of stuff to prove that or show for it, but it is what it is, and I am really trying to change that now. However, I am having identity issues.

Let me first list the reason why I blog before I start getting into the issues about it:

1. To have a record of my life. This is, first and foremost, a journal.
2. To have a writing outlet. Sometimes just getting the fingers moving on the keyboard is enough to jumpstart my creativity and turn it into something bigger than just a simple blog post.
3. It has helped my writing immensely. I write more because of blogging, and writing more is the first step to writing better. Period.
4. It has juiced up my creativity because I have become aware of and involved with so many writing projects and memes and challenges - things that have not only improved my writing, but have led me to be able to network with so many other great writers.
5. It is starting to make me new friends - and really, that should be number two on this list. Because making online friends (at this point) is one of my biggest wants and desires - it's one of the biggest things I want to get out of blogging. 
6. It puts my name out there. Surprisingly enough, after years of being anonymous, I want to be known. I want people to know that I write and that I write well (in my opinion anyway) and I want for people who are interested in my writing to be able to come to this blog and find what they are looking for.
7. It helps me figure myself out - that's a no brainer, right? This blog is essentially a reflection of who I am - to a point. Of course there are things that are too personal to share, and like I always say, everyone has their secret lives, but still. Writing things out really does help figure things out.
8. It makes me realize that people are just people, and some of them we will get along with and love, and some we won't. And that's okay.

So now, I have two conundrums. The first is my online identity as a whole. I own five domains. I have at least five email addresses. I have two Twitter accounts - one with 495 followers (@vzfsblog) and one with 33 followers (@hellocheney). I need to CONSOLIDATE. But that's hard. In the next couple of weeks I am really going to try to consolidate everything into HELLOCHENEY land. I need to get the domain and use it here on the blog, and I have to get one of those about.me pages and use my cheney.me URL to direct anyone to my everything. That's the easy part.

The harder part? Finding my niche. Because I just don't have one, and things are about to get even more wonky up in here.

See, I write. Duh. I have a lot of short stories on here, a web serial (defunctish) and poetry. I blog about writing A LOT. So do I have a writer's blog?

I also write book reviews. Am I a book blogger?

I post a lot of links to music videos... but I KNOW I'm not a music blogger.

I'm a mom, but I'm reluctant to write about motherhood. Am I a blogging mom but NOT a mommyblogger?

And now, horror of horrors, I've joined Weight Watchers. Again. And I NEED to blog about it. I mean, I HAVE to, for me, to hold myself accountable and make myself successful. But am I a health blogger? Dear god, no.

My question is, what has happened to just regular old web journals about people, like the ones that were around in the early 2000s? Everyone has a niche now, and within those niches, friends and groups of friends seem to be borne.

Where do I fit in, is what I am asking? Anywhere? But more importantly - do I NEED to find myself a place to fit into? Or will people want to come and read what I am writing anyway, because, well, they like me?

It's hard to admit, I guess, that I am fishing for readers and a fellowship of followers around here. It's hard blogging every day and not seeing stats rise or comment sections left empty. Am I that boring? Or is it something else....

Hello.. you out there? Let me know..

Rambly & Bullety

This is technically day 24 of NaBloPoMo (remember, I count it as blogging every DAY if I haven't fallen asleep yet. Heh.), and this is the first day that I've put off posting and lazed around and procrastinated over it because I got that "What the hell am I going to blog about?" feeling, as if I didn't have anything to say.

I'm really tired, and probably this isn't a good time to speculate on anything at all, but I think that when I get to those times where I don't know what to say or feel like I have nothing important to say, what's really going on is that I have TONS of things that I want to say, ALL AT ONCE, and I just can't even begin to get them all out of me, so nothing much comes. But this is NaBloPoMo, goddamnit, and I've committed myself to this, so we will do it bullet style. There are many things on my mind tonight, including:

My weight. I weighed myself before getting in the shower today and realized that not only have I gained five pounds or so in the last month it seems, but I now, at this very moment, weigh more than I've ever weighed in my whole life. My weight fluxuates a pound or two up or down between times I weigh myself, which is maybe twice a month or so lately. But suddenly I have crossed this threshold that I have never been over before, and it scares me. What with Gary having a heart attack earlier this month, my getting older and grayer by the minute, and by the fact that I STILL have a box of size 12 clothes in my closet that I refuse to part with, I am thinking that it is going on DIET TIME once again. Weight Watchers, here I come...AGAIN.. but maybe after Christmas, because yes, I know that it's a life changing sort of deal.

I need to talk about myself more. This is funny, because there is this girl I know, and I don't really like her, and one of the biggest reasons I don't like her is that she talks about herself CONSTANTLY. No matter what the topic of conversation is, she not only can, but it's like she has to and DOES weasel her way into it so suddenly everything is about her, or she just changes the topic SO it's about her. I hate that. On the other hand, this is my blog. This is for me, and it's for Elise, and it's so I can give my two friends a break and not use anyone I love as my therapist. I WANT to work shit out. I want to figure out what I am doing with my life, what I WANT to do with my life, because so far even that is just out of reach. I'm very into Lists lately, and I keep seeing lists on other blogs '100 Things About Me' - you know the ones. The list that is comprised of just a line or two of information that may be vague or strange or weird that is supposed to give deeper insight into a person. I want to do that. But I want to do it bigger and better. I'm still thinking on that, but I will get back to you.

Failing NaNoWriMo. I've already talked about it once, but I know that there is much more that needs to be said on the subject. I think I'm saving that one for the 30th. 

My financial and living situations. Neither of them are good. In fact, both of them are really fucking miserable right now. Are other people as embarrassed as I am to talk about my failings in either of these categories of life? It's something I need to explore further, the reasoning behind why I don't talk to people, or even write, about these sorts of personal things. I get that no one probably wants to hear about how I'm "poor" when really there are so many people worse off than I am. It's one of those situations where I feel like I don't have the right to complain when I know there are so many who are so worse off, but at the same time, these things have huge impacts on my daily life, they are part of the reason I am who I am, and I feel like neglecting to talk about them in a way diminishes my intent for some authenticity around here. 

The Vampire Diaries. I know, I know. I get in to all this heavy shit, and then come back to television, the thing I should not be partaking in with such frequency. However, I am smitten with this little show. I can't get over how unbelievably hot I find Ian Somerhalder to be in this show, and, thanks to Kevin Williamson, it's the perfect combination between campy, sexy, and totally dramatic that I fucking LOVE. 

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I can't believe how it snuck up on me this year, and I practically had a panic attack today when I realized that Christmas is just weeks away and I am not prepared for it. The fact that Elise's birthday IS CHRISTMAS DAY is just compounding that stress. I have no idea what we will do for her birthday this year, or how I will afford it. Oh, look. There it is. 

I am going to finish watching this Vampire Diaries episode, and then read The Tommyknockers until I pass out. Tomorrow, I guess I will be gracefully thankful for things, or at least I will try to be.