Where am I?

So, it's February. Oh, time.

An old friend of mine, Brad, used to yell at me every time I made a comment about how time feels like it's flying by so fast. "Time never goes faster or slower," he'd argue. "Time is just arbitrary numbers we give to to sunsets and sunrises." Which, yes, it could be true.

I hear there are people in the world who argue that time as we know it isn't really a straight line that we imagine it being, that it twists and curves and folds in on itself, and that's why when we look back at our memories we sometimes have trouble remembering what came first in any sequence of events to lead us to where we are now, at whatever particular moment in time. 

Sometimes I wish there were more hours to a day, or that sleeping wasn't necessary - at all. As much as I hate to leave the comfort of a warm bed on a cold morning in winter, a bigger part of me always resents that moment in the wee hours of the morning when I have to tell myself that it's time to lay down and give up the day, and it always pisses me off, because very infrequently do I feel like I've done enough with the hours I had, or at least did enough of the things I wanted to do with them.

This blog, I'm not using it like it should be used. I'm not saying the things I should be and want to be saying because within all of us there are secrets and in my case they can't be given up, even though I'm coming to realize that one of the secrets I am keeping is shaping my life into something I don't understand and haven't been able to come to terms with. 

What things do you hold on to and what do you give away? What does it mean to be authentic in a place where you are still constantly admitting that you are a secret keeper because some things just can't be discussed online or with anyone else in your life? And really in the end, what does that matter?

I could tell you about how this morning as I was walking in to work there was shattered glass in the parking lot, and the clear shards I stepped around twinkled in the sun and momentarily blinded me, and I was half annoyed and half amazed that trash really can be beautiful. I could tell you that I have listened to Britney Spears pretty much non-stop today and her music does more for my mood than chocolate or sex put together. I could tell you that in the last week I've panicked over my financial situation, and that I am not proud of the fact that the only snacks Elise has to take to school right now are string cheese sticks and baggies of mommy's cereal, and that we've eaten pasta with butter and cheese for days on end because putting gas in my car to get to work takes precedence over grocery shopping, and the cost of milk and fuel only rises. 

I could tell you anything, is my point, and I usually don't because I am hiding behind this wall of fear. Fear like I've always had as a writer on the internet - of being rejected by people who know me. Fear of being considered a fraud or a fake, because even if those things aren't true, they are impossible to defend against when you don't have a posse to back you up, to explain things to people who don't understand.

I don't know where I am now on this life journey we all have going on, but I'm starting to understand, slowly and painfully, who I am. That's something.

Plugging Away

No real blog post today because I am busybusybusy at work on a super secret project that will launch next month, plus I have an Indie Ink piece to write, STILL, because I always tell myself I work so much better under pressure.

(That may or may not actually be the case, but I'll let you and the editors be the judge tomorrow.)

I gotta tell you, I have a lot going on right now with this super secret project, with my writing, with figuring out my life in general, but things, overall, are pretty great.

Shhhhhh....

Everyone tells me their secrets.

No less than three times today did I hear the words "Don't tell anyone I told you this."

I guess it comes from being the kind of person who doesn't talk about herself often. I like to keep myself to myself around people I don't know all that well or don't have close relationships with. I mean, generally I like to keep things in my life drama-free and relaxed. Other people? Not so much.

What I keep finding, time and again, is that people are very much afraid of what others think of them, and that it is the fear of rejection from peers that keeps people from doing the things they want to do or being the people who they truly are.

That's pretty sad, and I guess I'm just saying - I'm glad I'm not like that.

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Big things are coming! 

I will be posting this weeks Indie Ink entry on Thursday, and it's going to be a good one! 

Also, I have been working on a big project that I haven't mentioned on the blog yet, and it's getting to be the time when I will share it, and sharing is something I can't wait to do. 

Now, I am going to lay in bed, watch That 70's Show, and eat Ben & Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch. Nom.

Grace in Small Things # 2

1.) Discovering a new band at one o'clock in the morning because I am a Tumblr addict, and now suddenly an Owen addict. 

2.) Coming out of the writing closet, dropping my pen name and feeling all at once more free and more under pressure than I have ever been in my life - but every little bit of pressure is just what I was looking for to get my ass in gear and start writing regularly again.

3.) Sharing LOST with my best friend, experiencing something I love all over again, but even better this time.

4.) Having sweet secrets that keep on surprising me over and over again, holding them close to my heart and never wanting to let go.

5.) September - and all of the things I have to look forward to: campaigning for Daryl Finizio, finally getting to see a Royale Brothers show, and yeah, my 29th birthday - in just twenty days.

A very bullet list Wednesday

• Today Alisha called me at work from HER work to tell me a secret. "Don't tell anyone!" she says to me - "No one is supposed to know yet, but I have to tell you!" It's a good secret - one of our friends is pregnant. I LOVE finding out when friends are pregnant. It makes for a good day for me, knowing that there is a little bundle of joy coming into the world that I can kiss and cuddle and spoil.. and then give back.
• I'm supposed to be helping my friend Brian move the last of his things out of his house tonight and I don't want to do it but I am going to because he has helped me with so many things in the past (including moving) and I would feel like a total bitch for telling him no. So I told him yes, and even though I don't want to do it, I will. I feel like I should feel NOTHING in particular about this. Do I feel bad that I don't want to do it even when I know I should? Do I feel bad for feeling bad? Do I feel bad just because of the fact that I don't want to? I guess the bottom line is sometimes we do things for our friends that we don't want to do just BECAUSE they are our friends and they ask. And that's enough for me.
• I want to go to BlogHer. I am jealous of all of the people who are heading off to San Diego today and tomorrow to attend the conference, but since I don't have any real blog friends, why would I go? I'm working on the networking, I am. I need it. I have been so let down by the people I know and am "friends" with in my hometown area, I need the escape of the internet to stay sane, I know this now. Some people (people who just don't know better I guess) don't understand it. Why would you meet people online? Isn't that creepy? Your mom is creepy. What.
• I have to dedicate a considerable amount of time to a blog post that I have been meaning to write for a few days that regards Elise - and it's hard and I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet, but it's coming soon, and I hope it changes things.
• Let's call this a well intentioned cop-out.