It's just one of those days.

This is one of those glum, rainy days where all I can do is feel sorry for myself that I am "stuck" with a job I can't stand and the dreams of accomplishing my ultimate goal, which is to make a living writing, seems so far off BECAUSE I am stuck at this job I can't stand. I think to myself, if only I didn't have to work five days a week, I could get more writing done. If only, if only. It's all I want in life - to not have to answer to anyone, to support myself. Well, okay, it's not ALL I want in life, but lately, and especially today, not having to come to work tomorrow is at the top of my list of things I want to have happen. 

I shouldn't complain, because last week, I "won" the Indie Ink Writing Challenge. My short story that I posted last time, Hannah, got the Editor's Choice. The confidence boost this gave me was amazing, but it was brought along with a healthy dose of shock. I didn't expect this, if only for the reason that I didn't try very hard in writing it. I saw something in my head - a scene - and I picked one of my favorite themes to write about, which is disappearance. Then that thing happened - if you are a writer, you will know what I mean. That thing, where the story just comes, the words just come. How do I write? I have no clue. I just do it. Evidently, with Hannah, I did it really well. 

So now, I'm in this situation where I signed up for next week's challenge, it's due tomorrow at 9pm, and I have no idea what I am going to write about. Creatively, I'm a deer in the headlights. I want to write to the best of my abilitity, I don't want to produce crap after producing a winning entry last week, but at the same time I don't want to get to thinking that I HAVE to win - I signed up to do this for fun, as a creative excericise, and now it's morphed into this psychological thing that I am stressing out over. 

It's just one of those days.

I need to make more time for myself. I do intend to do NaNoWriMo next month, and I am actually nearly halfway done with outlining the whole thing, which I have never done before, but with doing NaNo comes giving up pretty much everything else. I am going to have to tell my friends that I won't be around next month, and why. I'll have to force myself to lay off the Netflix and stick to Pandora radio. I'll have to be prepared with a case of energy drinks the likelihood that I won't get a good night's sleep for a month.

Above all else, I just have to write. It's what I have to do. The more days that go by, sitting at a desk at a job that I hate, the more I know there's only one thing in the world I'm capable of being good at and enjoying, and that's writing. And I want to enjoy life. I want to smile when I get up in the morning, not groan. I want to do this, and I have to find a way to make it happen - soon.

Ever tried, ever failed + You're Gone

Eighteen straight days of blogging ended because I went on a date, was irrationally let down by the date, and then I wallowed in a stupor of weepiness and melancholy with Alisha for the last two days. 

Saturday morning, Elise and I were sitting at the kitchen counter stools and she tried to slide her stool closer to mine but just ended up smashing one of the legs down onto my right middle toe. The pain was brief but intense, and shocking. Tears instantly welled in my eyes the moment it happened, and from there the floodgates were opened and I was in deep trouble. 

I could barely stop crying the rest of the day.

Thankfully I have a friend who will take me as I am, or at least as she knows me to be, and help me. Just by being there and being her.

If it weren't already so late at night, I would have more new words for you. Instead, for now, this:

You're Gone

I decided months ago that I never wanted
to write another poem about you again,
but when I woke up this afternoon I realized
it was you I had been dreaming about
and I woke up recalling the exact caramel color
of your skin, each meticulously placed freckle,
the way you and gravity worked so hard to
make your hair fall just so over your forehead -
I was dreaming of all these details
burned into my memory after all these years
when I woke up I knew you were the only thing familiar
and for an hour all I wanted was you.

I went outside, stood in two inches of snow,
tried to warm myself and melt away your image
But my mind held on, reached deeper, and
remembered one club night in New York
when I was dancing with you, and in once instant
you were gone. I turned around
expecting to fall into your open arms and
you were nowhere to be found.
For the next hour I searched for you -
Searched men in black shirts and pants,
searched hundreds of brown eyes that weren't yours,
reached for hands that didn't know mine -
I lost you.
But just as I was giving up, resigning to
go back to the dance floor and hope
that you'd find me, you did -
Wrapped silk arms around me, and led me home.

You will never lead me home again, what's more is
I will never wrap my eggshell skin around you again.
I will never get close enough to let you crush me.
I'll never again look into your eyes
and say 'I love you,'
I'll remind myself every day that
you don't deserve me anymore.
I'll remind myself every day that
It's over, and
you're gone.