Rambly & Bullety

This is technically day 24 of NaBloPoMo (remember, I count it as blogging every DAY if I haven't fallen asleep yet. Heh.), and this is the first day that I've put off posting and lazed around and procrastinated over it because I got that "What the hell am I going to blog about?" feeling, as if I didn't have anything to say.

I'm really tired, and probably this isn't a good time to speculate on anything at all, but I think that when I get to those times where I don't know what to say or feel like I have nothing important to say, what's really going on is that I have TONS of things that I want to say, ALL AT ONCE, and I just can't even begin to get them all out of me, so nothing much comes. But this is NaBloPoMo, goddamnit, and I've committed myself to this, so we will do it bullet style. There are many things on my mind tonight, including:

My weight. I weighed myself before getting in the shower today and realized that not only have I gained five pounds or so in the last month it seems, but I now, at this very moment, weigh more than I've ever weighed in my whole life. My weight fluxuates a pound or two up or down between times I weigh myself, which is maybe twice a month or so lately. But suddenly I have crossed this threshold that I have never been over before, and it scares me. What with Gary having a heart attack earlier this month, my getting older and grayer by the minute, and by the fact that I STILL have a box of size 12 clothes in my closet that I refuse to part with, I am thinking that it is going on DIET TIME once again. Weight Watchers, here I come...AGAIN.. but maybe after Christmas, because yes, I know that it's a life changing sort of deal.

I need to talk about myself more. This is funny, because there is this girl I know, and I don't really like her, and one of the biggest reasons I don't like her is that she talks about herself CONSTANTLY. No matter what the topic of conversation is, she not only can, but it's like she has to and DOES weasel her way into it so suddenly everything is about her, or she just changes the topic SO it's about her. I hate that. On the other hand, this is my blog. This is for me, and it's for Elise, and it's so I can give my two friends a break and not use anyone I love as my therapist. I WANT to work shit out. I want to figure out what I am doing with my life, what I WANT to do with my life, because so far even that is just out of reach. I'm very into Lists lately, and I keep seeing lists on other blogs '100 Things About Me' - you know the ones. The list that is comprised of just a line or two of information that may be vague or strange or weird that is supposed to give deeper insight into a person. I want to do that. But I want to do it bigger and better. I'm still thinking on that, but I will get back to you.

Failing NaNoWriMo. I've already talked about it once, but I know that there is much more that needs to be said on the subject. I think I'm saving that one for the 30th. 

My financial and living situations. Neither of them are good. In fact, both of them are really fucking miserable right now. Are other people as embarrassed as I am to talk about my failings in either of these categories of life? It's something I need to explore further, the reasoning behind why I don't talk to people, or even write, about these sorts of personal things. I get that no one probably wants to hear about how I'm "poor" when really there are so many people worse off than I am. It's one of those situations where I feel like I don't have the right to complain when I know there are so many who are so worse off, but at the same time, these things have huge impacts on my daily life, they are part of the reason I am who I am, and I feel like neglecting to talk about them in a way diminishes my intent for some authenticity around here. 

The Vampire Diaries. I know, I know. I get in to all this heavy shit, and then come back to television, the thing I should not be partaking in with such frequency. However, I am smitten with this little show. I can't get over how unbelievably hot I find Ian Somerhalder to be in this show, and, thanks to Kevin Williamson, it's the perfect combination between campy, sexy, and totally dramatic that I fucking LOVE. 

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I can't believe how it snuck up on me this year, and I practically had a panic attack today when I realized that Christmas is just weeks away and I am not prepared for it. The fact that Elise's birthday IS CHRISTMAS DAY is just compounding that stress. I have no idea what we will do for her birthday this year, or how I will afford it. Oh, look. There it is. 

I am going to finish watching this Vampire Diaries episode, and then read The Tommyknockers until I pass out. Tomorrow, I guess I will be gracefully thankful for things, or at least I will try to be.

I occasionally contemplate my mortality.

Today is the first day of August. This pains me so. 

I love the summertime, for one thing. More than any other season, I am happiest when I'm dripping with sweat and can barely breathe from the weight of this wonderful New England humidity. Some would say I'm a masochist for it, and they may be right. I just LOVE that feeling you get when you sit down in your car after work, the car that has been baking under the blazing sun in the parking lot all day. The heat doesn't hit you so much as it envelopes you, traps you and smothers you, and it seems like you can either close your eyes and wither and die or just breathe through it, feel your heart speed up, and roll on. 

But August, usually the hottest month of the year in these here parts, is bittersweet, because it means summer is almost over. Elise will start school again in four weeks, I will be back to getting up at the crack of dawn, suffering through those winter mornings when it's not only freezing, BUT STILL DARK OUT when I rise. 

My August is jam packed with fun - so many fun things are about to go on in the next few weeks, I can hardly wait for them. But then, September will come. I love the fall too, but part of me will always hate it for taking away my sun and sweat. (Sick, right?) 

And then, my birthday. I will be 29 this year.

Honestly, there are days when I am surprised to realized that I'm not actually nineteen anymore, because that is the way I often feel. I think of my age, I contemplate the length of my life, and I am shocked that I am this old. I don't feel like I've done enough yet, I don't feel like I've seen enough yet, I don't think I've loved enough yet to die.

It's not like I think I'm going to die tomorrow - although I could. And it's not like I'm crazy and vain, obsessing over turning 30 like it's going to be my mid-life and deserves a crisis.. But it could be. It could be my mid-life. And I'm not ready to die yet - there is so much more to be done.

I made a list, just as tons of other people have made this same list, and I'm putting it here for reference. And so it stares me down constantly. So I don't give up.

30 Before 30

1. Get my sixth tattoo
2. Visit Steph
3. Eat at Yummy Noodles in NYC
4. Live alone again
5. Date
6. Try 30 new recipes
7. Take Elise to the zoo
8. Make $100 from something I wrote
9. Throw a party
10. Road trip with Alisha
11. Be a size 12 again (this will be the hardest thing)
12. Sing Karaoke with Brian
13. Read Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace
14. Go to the drive-in
15. Try a yoga class
16. Get CPR certified
17. Donate blood at least once
18. Teach Elise to swim
19. Find a writing group
20. Meet an online friend
21. Visit the grandparents in Florida
22. Girls Only Bed & Breakfast vacation
23. Blog every day for a month
24. Get a significant raise / Or get a new job
25. Consult a psychic
26. Self-pub that book I wrote in May 2011
27. Sail on a sailboat
28. Go to the dentist
29. Invest in something
30. Forgive myself

The countdown starts today.