I'm Gonna Have Myself A Time

Despite yesterday's post, I actually really love Christmas and I'm looking forward to it. I've never been one of those people who say "Oh man, I can't wait for the holidays to be over," because I do the best I can to not let anything about the holidays stress me out. 

With that said, there is a different sort of stress this year in that I have been MAKING rather than buying a lot of Christmas gifts. Five people are getting crocheted scarves, and for my grandparents I am making a blog that features Elise's and my day to day activities. I am so bad at calling them frequently and sending them pictures, I don't know why I didn't think of a grandparent-centric blog sooner, but there it is. I don't want them reading this one, so we will just direct their attention elsewhere. Unfortunately, I haven't started that little project yet and I still have a scarf to finish, not to mention gift wrapping for things I got Elise, AND I have to make her birthday cake tonight for the little party that a friend of ours is hosting at her house tomorrow.

Long story short, I haven't done any writing this month. Like, none. And THAT is what is stressing me out. I love Christmas, I love the holiday season, but dare I say I can't wait for some time to do what I want to do without a million other little projects to finish and errands to run that keep me away from writing. 

It's sort of the feeling I get leading up to taking vacations - a giddy excitement of possiblility. Too bad I know that the week after vacations always suck, but I guess I will cross that bridge.

Now, what to focus on, is the question I've been asking myself. Here are the possibilities:

1. I could always write more smut - my stories continue to sell, slowly but surely, and there's nothing but laziness keeping me from adding titles and hopefully getting more steady revenue from them. This might be the first thing I tackle.
2. I've been contemplating going back to my NaNo novel that I didn't finish this year and seeing what I can salvage from it. 
3. I've also been thinking of diving back in to my Eternals story and totally re-working the first draft. The thing is FINISHED, you know? It's an entire finished book. It just sort of sucks and the whole middle part of it is boring as hell, in my opinion, but with a whole lot of elbow grease and maybe some tough love, I can make it into something that I will be proud to show people, which unfortunately, at this moment, I am not.
4. The zombies, they call to me. This is the story I gave Dan months ago and never finished, although I have pecked away at another chapter in the interim since the last time I gave him pages. This is sort of what I want to do the most, even though I probably SHOULD do the other things first.
5. Start something new? Always such a lovely idea...

I'm sure this list and post it totally boring to all non-writerly types, but hey. It's what I do. 

I could, of course, entertain you with stories about my adventure out to some downtown bars last night and what kept me out until three in the morning, but that just might disturb you instead of bore you, and I'll either lose friends or gain the "wrong" ones. 

Needless to say, I go through phases of wanting to go out with friends and wanting to hole myself up in my room and pretend to disappear, and lately I've chosen the former. It could be that we've had such a mild winter so far, I haven't felt that darkness of the SAD coming over me, depressing me into myself and away from all fun that might be had. But, the thing is, I like laughing, and my friends are funnier than most (in my opinion) and once in a while it's nice to spend $20 bucks on vodka drinks, get a little shitty, and have myself a time.

That Old Holiday Giving Spirit

I just finished my Christmas shopping, buying things for my four best friends and sister on Amazon. A part of me kicks myself in the butt for not supporting local businesses and Amazon is evil, blah blah blah, but really, I admit I am part of the consumer problem. It's one of those situations where I know I should support and shop local businesses so that more people will flourish and have better jobs than at big box stores where the profits go and stay at the top, but on the other hand, if that were the case, I wouldn't be able to afford to get something for everyone I want to buy for.

I used to love birthdays and Christmas because of the gifts, but then I got older and realized that friends don't really give birthday gifts anymore (at least, mine don't), and family always seems to come first at Christmas as well. I like getting gifts, who doesn't? But I can honestly, HONESTLY say - it indeed IS better to give than receive. 

I get more joy out of giving gifts for friends and family than I do receiving them. For one thing, I don't really want much. If I have money to spend on myself, I spend it on books, and occasionally new clothes, but I am the kind of person who will wear clothes to death and don't really care about fashion. In other words, I'm frumpy. If someone asks what they can get me for a gift, I tell them to take me out to dinner - good food and better company? What better gift can there be? 

Already, I am excited to give gifts this year. I'm excited to see smiles from friends and family when they see, hopefully, that I'm thoughtful. Is that selfish of me? 

Someone once said to me that doing nice things for other people gets totally canceled out if you do that nice thing just to make yourself feel good. How can that possibly be true?

Either way, Christmas isn't about gifts. I'm not religious, so really, Christmas isn't about anything really. It's just a day where people appreciate each other more, or show their appreciation and love more than they normally would. Sometimes I think that it's a bunch of B.S., like, why can't every day be like this? Why can't we just give people gifts whenever we want, or spread the love as much and whenever we want? It's sort of sad, in a way, that I feel like the meaning of Christmas gets lost on so many people.

Grace in Small Things # 5 - Thanksgiving '11 Edition

 

1.) The fact that I planned ahead this year and got three quarts of Rita's Ice before they closed on October 30th. I was trying to save them until at least December, but I'm thankful I decided to indulge tonight. This one is Coconut Cream. Watermelon and Mango are waiting patiently in the freezer until after the New Year.

2.) I am thankful for my family and friends today. We are few and far between, but we are healthy, and happy, and together as much as we can be. We're all we've got and we love each other. 

3.) I am thankful for good stories. I have been reading a lot lately (though haven't finished anything in a week or so, because I have that nasty habit of diving into a few different books at once) and good stories in bed are just so sweet and delightful.

4.) I am thankful for the mild(ish) weather we've had so far this season. I hate all things cold and snowy, so it was nice to be comfortable in a hoodie with the window's open today, and to see NO SNOW in the forecast. 

5.) I am thankful to be alive - and that the people I care about are, too. Gary is home and recovering from his quadruple bypass, and should make a full recovery soon. He and Linda are changing their lives day by day, striving to live as healthily as possible. I really want to do that, too. I want to keep on living, and loving, and being able to be thankful for so many things.

Where I'm From

I am from the green Cape atop the hill, from the house with shuttered windows and the cold stone porch. From the creaking old wood floors and the doors that never locked, from the scent of lemon Pledge and apple pies. I am from the town too small for its own high school, from the deep woods where hunters give no pause before shooting dogs they think are deer. I am from the rocky cliffs and mossy woods, from the worn dirt paths and clear streams. I am from the earth.

I am from steaming pots of chili and pans of lasagna. I am from red brick linoleum and vintage Pyrex bowls. I am from mismatched furniture and crocheted rugs, from the warm belly of our dog, Misty, from the lingering hope that she could live forever.

I am from the red, Radio Flyer wagon being pulled across the lawn to my grandfather’s greenhouse, I am from the twisting grape vines and apple trees, from the thorns of rose bushes my great-grandmother tended until she couldn’t anymore. I am from the backyard that fell away into the earth, I am from excavators digging for buried treasure. I am from my grandfather’s musty basement workshop, from the strong arms of the only man I will ever completely trust.

I am from snowstorms that kept us locked in for weeks, huddled around the woodstove playing Little House on the Prairie. I am from Hidden Acres and campfires, from catching lightning bugs and star-counting. I am from Gladys, Robert, Barbara, and Patricia. I will never belong to anyone but them.

I am from a history of happenstance, I am from secret dreams and secret lives. I am from a series of unfortunate events and from an ache of missed chances and dashed hopes.

I am from the bedroom where I cried when my grandparents moved away, from the lonely halls of the nursing home where I watched Nana die. I am from silence and regret for things silenced. I am from loss and learning and laughter.

I am from Salem, I am from the town cemetery where our plots have already been bought and marked. I am from the place my family returns to, not often enough. I am from the home I know. I am from somewhere I want to get back to.

This is a meme that has been going around blogland for quite a while now - the original prompt can be found here. 

As I wrote this, finally, I started weeping - the tears are still coming, actually. I have to call my grandparents tonight. I didn't realize how much I missed them until I started writing about them, and now I just want them home. This was an amazing experience, writing this little piece.