Propositioning

There's this guy (we'll call him "this guy" for purposes of privacy, or whatever) who I had a strictly sexual relationship with starting at the tender age of sixteen or seventeen. We met online back when meeting online was tabboo and scary, and we met on a goth club's message board, to boot. I was in high school and he was in college, and although we continued to see each other (and sleep together) for a number of years on and off, we never were IN A RELATIONSHIP. I never called him my boyfriend, because he wasn't. He was just a guy who I liked to spend time with in the bedroom, and back then, even at that young age, that was cool with me. 

For whatever reason that I can't recall, we drifted apart and stopped seeing each other. We didn't have a falling out or anything. I dated people between seeing him and he did as well, and we just kept up with each other when we were single until a time when we just didn't anymore. 

Years later, this would be probably two or three years ago, I invited him to come down and visit me with every intention of getting laid, and then at the last minute I backed out and made him sleep on my couch. It was really awkward, saying no to him, but at that point in my life I felt like I wanted a REAL relationship instead of no-strings-attached sex. 

I'm past that point now, let's just say.

The online dating thing, it has its downfalls. My biggest problem is that it is really easy for me to find one or two details on someone's profile that will completely turn me off to the point I won't give them a chance. Mentioning video games more than once, not having even a loose grasp on the English language, and showing a great love for the outdoors are instant killers for me. If you haven't been on a dating site in a while, take it from me that right off the bat, 80% or more of the guys who message me get blocked, and more than half the time I don't even have to visit their profile to know they aren't for me - because they just can't communicate. If you can't show me you are even moderately intelligent in a paragraph, come on. 

Anyway, I've been back on OK Cupid lately, scoping out the scene, and today I noticed that 'this guy' was checking out my profile a week or so ago, and he hadn't messaged me. So I did the only thing a girl in my position would do - I messaged him on Facebook, and here's what I said:

"I'll be blunt. Are you currently single? If so, would you like to go out and catch up, etc?"

The et cetera in that sentence? I'm pretty sure he'll know what it really means. At least, I hope he does.

Promising.

I went on a date last night, a promising first date. Promising because we liked each other, clearly, as we are going out again tomorrow night. He even texted me (before ten in the morning!) to tell me that he enjoyed last night and was looking forward to seeing me again. Promising. 

But I can't lie - not to you, not to myself.

I didn't feel the sparks. I didn't feel giddy or swoony or light in my heart. I didn't look at him and think "Yes." I looked at him and thought, tentatively, "Maybe." 

It's not him, it's me.

I think there comes a point in every perpetually single girl's life where she thinks she is never going to find someone - and for me, that point came and went a long time ago. Worse, it's not that I didn't think I would ever find anyone, it's that I DID find someone. I had someone.

I had him, and I lost him. 

It's been so long now since I've seen him, you'd think I would have forgotten things about him, but no.

It's been three years, five months, and twenty-two days, and I haven't forgotton a thing, and I know now something that I wasn't so sure of yesterday:

I am not over him. 

I think to myself, Yeah. Maybe I'm going to be one of those women living alone with her books and her cats and hopefully my daughter will visit me often when I'm old, because certainly I'll be alone. Because who else could I possibly be with? 

But then I think: This is it. I've made my bed - I did this. And now I have to lay in it. I have to live in it. 

I could be one of those women who drown themselves in vodka and bury themselves into the arms of men they do not know or love - or I could find love. Real love. The kind where they love you back so hard, they don't let you walk away. 

So I did this.

I met him at Paul's Pasta and we had dinner. We had a great time and decided to carry on our date at Azu in Mystic. We probably had too many drinks, we had great desserts, and we talked until my mouth was dry and my cheeks were sore from smiling. I couldn't stop smiling. 

It's promising to laugh with someone. It's promising when you have simple things in common, like favorite books, and movies, and basic human morals. The date lasted five and a half hours, and the whole time we didn't really talk about anything serious, and that was a sweet relief. 

It's promising to know that I can do this now, that I can put myself out there, that I can be the one to say Let's just go out, let's not waste time talking online for weeks, I have no time to waste. 

It's promising to know that I have the strength and the will to try, even though I don't want to have to try, because I still just want him. 

But we're going out again tomorrow night, and I promise - I'm going to give him a chance. 

Grace in Small Things # 1

Let's face it: We're all waging our own battles against embitterment, right? 

Schmutzie, a blogger I adore, started this social network, Grace In Small Things, so that people would remember the positive things in life that often go overlooked. 

It's sad to say, I need this. I mean, yes, it's a nice thing to do, write a list of the postive things in life, things you've noticed throughout the days that make you happy, the things that you are grateful for. But when I started to write this post and started thinking, What will I put on my list?, I realized how hard it was - for me to just sit down and gather a few positive thoughts. So I need this, as often as possible, don't I?

Here are some of the things that have made me exceptionally happy lately - I am grateful for all of them:

1.) Addie's first birthday party is tomorrow, and it will also be the occasion of Elise's first sleepover at Alisha's house - she's never spent the night anywhere besides home and grandparent's house's, so this will be fun, and interesting.

2.) Digging up an old story that I haven't worked on in years and realizing it is a lot better than I thought it was and seriously considering diving into it again.

3.) The surprise dinner provided by the roomie tonight: a delicious grilled cheeseburger and some cheesy mashed potatos.

4.) Reading all of these: BlogHer Community Keynote: Voices of the Year.

5.) Getting a date for next Wednesday night. Yeah. That happened.

Swim

It's the theme for NaBloPoMo - it's something I've tried in the past and will keep on trying every once in a while until I finish it - finally. I haven't yet, but there is a first time for everything - a first time to make commitments and promises and KEEP them for yourself, if not for anyone else.

There are a lot of things that I have been promising myself lately. I've promised myself that I'll work harder in the hopes of getting that raise that I feel like I've been deserving of for months now - something I think I'm OWED at this point, but apparently I still need to show more dedication for. That's a frustrating thing, my job, and something that takes up a lot of my thoughts once I've left it to go home and move on to other, better things. But you know, I don't want to get Dooced, either.

I've also promised myself to get a date - as soon as possible. That is going to be a much longer story, a saga if you will - I can only imagine that there is much adventure to be had in a world I have yet to be a part of. I have already signed up for a free dating site called Ok Cupid and have been chatting with a few guys - I even have two potential but not confirmed dates for Tuesday night! And I think to myself: "Really? It's this easy, after all this time, all I have to do is go looking for it?"

That's where laziness and apathy get you: nowhere.

So I am swimming into new directions and towards new people and dreams for the future - something that I should have been doing a long time ago, but it's like lately a switch has been turned on inside of me and I suddenly NEED the connection that for so long I had just thought wasn't NECESSARY for my life.

But it IS necessary.

And I want it NOW.