Ever tried, ever failed + You're Gone

Eighteen straight days of blogging ended because I went on a date, was irrationally let down by the date, and then I wallowed in a stupor of weepiness and melancholy with Alisha for the last two days. 

Saturday morning, Elise and I were sitting at the kitchen counter stools and she tried to slide her stool closer to mine but just ended up smashing one of the legs down onto my right middle toe. The pain was brief but intense, and shocking. Tears instantly welled in my eyes the moment it happened, and from there the floodgates were opened and I was in deep trouble. 

I could barely stop crying the rest of the day.

Thankfully I have a friend who will take me as I am, or at least as she knows me to be, and help me. Just by being there and being her.

If it weren't already so late at night, I would have more new words for you. Instead, for now, this:

You're Gone

I decided months ago that I never wanted
to write another poem about you again,
but when I woke up this afternoon I realized
it was you I had been dreaming about
and I woke up recalling the exact caramel color
of your skin, each meticulously placed freckle,
the way you and gravity worked so hard to
make your hair fall just so over your forehead -
I was dreaming of all these details
burned into my memory after all these years
when I woke up I knew you were the only thing familiar
and for an hour all I wanted was you.

I went outside, stood in two inches of snow,
tried to warm myself and melt away your image
But my mind held on, reached deeper, and
remembered one club night in New York
when I was dancing with you, and in once instant
you were gone. I turned around
expecting to fall into your open arms and
you were nowhere to be found.
For the next hour I searched for you -
Searched men in black shirts and pants,
searched hundreds of brown eyes that weren't yours,
reached for hands that didn't know mine -
I lost you.
But just as I was giving up, resigning to
go back to the dance floor and hope
that you'd find me, you did -
Wrapped silk arms around me, and led me home.

You will never lead me home again, what's more is
I will never wrap my eggshell skin around you again.
I will never get close enough to let you crush me.
I'll never again look into your eyes
and say 'I love you,'
I'll remind myself every day that
you don't deserve me anymore.
I'll remind myself every day that
It's over, and
you're gone.